Another Bad day...

Well today, started out okay. I woke up in time to get the girls up and out the door on time to catch the bus. Then my mommy came over to watch Liliana for Troy and I to go to our pre-marriage counseling. Then when we got home from that, it was time for Troy to head to work. Mom and I went to Anthony to Alco to find some stuff for the flowers. We also found a memorial that is made with the design from our wedding invitations on it with some artificial flowers for our little guys grave. We went out their and mom put them next to his headstone. I cry everytime I go out there, it just a metal marker with William L Hayden and 2010-2010 on it. So mom brings me back home and goes home herself. She's not home 30 minutes when she sends me a link to where you can order headstones, for a reasonable price. I never thought headstones would be so costly.... BOY was I wrong!!!! So we start looking at different designs and things and it just made me really sad. We all ended up going out to Pizza Hut, and I just wanted to go put my little guy to bed and give him a kiss... Just to hold him again and give him my love, as he looks up at me like "mommy would you please stop" >:D< ..... I know he is flying on Angels wings right now, and he is in a better place but God my life was GREAT and now it is good, but it's not as great as it was... I'm trying to stay strong for the girls, but it is soooo hard!!! They don't understand and they want answers and I wish that I could give them the answers to take their pain away... I know that one day we will all understand, but until then it is gonna be hard... I LOVE AND MISS YOU LITTLE GUY, WILLIAM!!!! Until mommy writes again... Goodnight my love... XOXOXO

life...

Okay, so I haven't blogged since the day after my little guy got here. But life has happened and I just have not felt like talking about it. However, I think I should! I want to scream and yell and hate and I just can't!!! My little guy was taken from my on February 24th, he was 30 days old. He passed away sometime between 5 and 9 am. They said he just stopped breathing in the night. They are calling it SIDS.. I keep looking for an explaination, but am not getting one. I keep sitting around waiting to hear him cry and nothing. The house is some what quiet and sad. Every night before Liliana goes to bed, she waves at the ceiling and says Bubba. Maybe she sees something I don't, okay obviously, she does. I often cry myself to sleep after everyone else goes to bed, cuz I miss him so much. Yesterday was 1 month since he left us and we took carnations to his grave. It was a very hard day, the girls begged to go see him and they didn't want to go to school. So we took them with us and then went to my mom's to hang out.

To William's dad, I am not here to judge you, but to be your friend. You know you have an ear when you need someone to listen. I don't know what to say to him, butI know it's not fair. All I can do is try to be his friend. We once shared this great love, or so I thought, but I would like to think so. We have another beautiful child together, who makes me believe in the more positive side of things.

On a more positive note, Troy and I finally set a date!! We are getting married on June 5th, of this year. We have not decided where we are going to take a honeymoon to as of yet. I think that I am going to start blogging more and put my letters to my little guy on here, so maybe it can help anyone else that is going thru something like this in their life, or they just need to read them to help them heal..