Well today was an okay day... It started out with church and then we took the girls to "Little Guy's" place, where we put Easter eggs on his grave... I weighed them down, with potting soil in them... You know it's really not suppose to be this way.. He wasn't suppose to be there, he was suppose to be here with us, to celebrate Jesus' rebirth. I am really trying to stay strong... But with all these 1st holidays, I think THAT IT JUST REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is very hard to let him go, I mean I have well the best that I can anyways, but I cry almost everyday and I have my moments, where all I want to do is staying inside and not go anywhere. But what will that accomplish? I really wish that I could answer why this happened... Life was GREAT and then BAMMMMM i went tumbling down this hill and don't know why!! Why did God put this pain on me? On my family? The one thing I can say is that I am greatful that we got to love him the 30 days he was here and the bond I had with him those precious 9 months that he was in me.. I can't explain all the feelings that comes with having a little boy... or even a little girl... But to have 3 girls and then get a boy... WOW.. God is Great, I just wish that I had longer with my little guy, I wish that William's real dad had the chance to met him and hold him... I am thankful that God gave me Troy to help me thru this horrible time and my family to help keep me together. Hailee and Nicole are having a very hard time right now.. They want answers and I can't answer them. Everytime Lily sees a baby she says "Bubba" or when we go to his grave she waves, says "Bubba" and blows a kiss. I am beginning to think that maybe she can see beyond what we believe, she's so precious, they all are.. But she is so young she doesn't understand.. All she knows is that is where we laid Bubba down and that's our place to go see him at.. I wish that we could all hold him again hear his words, touch him, watch him crawl/walk/run for the first time. Hold his hand, for the first time he skinned his knee.. God, I really miss him.. I know I will see him again and that he's up there looking down on me. I know that he will not feel the pain that we have here on Earth; I know he's in a better place... But it still hurts, it still feels like there is a piece of my heart gone. Good night until the next time I write.
To my little guy:
I know that you are in a better place, a place with no pain. I place were we can only image the perfectness that god has for us. I know that you are ok and that you watching over us. I only wish that there was some way that our family could have peace with you being gone. To mend our hearts and fill us with your love.. I hear you cry sometimes, and go to check on you, but your not there. I know it's your way to tell me your okay. I have some of your pictures on the walls, so we can see your tiny, precious and perfect face everyday. We go to visit you grave every Sunday, even though it's hard. We love you soooooo much, sooo very much. You are missed more than words can ever explain and even though mommy fills her day with housework, tending to your sisters and the wedding, there's not a second that goes by that you are not on my mind. I love you and will write you soon. XOXOXOXO
Mommy
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