It's been a long time...

Ok so I know that it has been along time since I posted to this and my apologizes for that. Life has been really crazy, between running a business, being a marketing/sales manager for my mom's business and then getting all my classes done to work at H&R Block again. My business is Scentsy wickless candles, if anyone is interested, you can order from my page at: jloviatt9.scentsy.us ...... I hope that all is well and my thoughts and prayers go out to all the other parents of SIDS, along with any parents that have lost a child.

To my William:
I know that you are watching over us and that you are okay. It doesn't ease my pain. Everyday that passes, I miss you even more. I know that I will see you again and I know that when I lay my head down at night you are right there beside me. I have my good days and my bad days. However, my days seem to run together more and more. It seems that I am getting less and less sleep. I know that our Father, God, doesn't put more on us than we can handle. But mommy is going thru a really hard time right now. She doesn't doubt God, but she doubts herself, when she shouldn't second guess herself. I sit on the couch or on my bed and see your beautiful big eyes, looking up at me and it makes me want to pick you up and hold you. To kiss your head and tell you how much I love you. I'm sure you would be crawling now and pulling yourself up; along with trying to talk. You would be eating jar food and teething. I am sure you would be such the little man, but yet the big boy. I love you with all my heart. We all miss you so much and wish that you were still here with us. Until the next time that I write you... All my love...
Mommy

Married a month...

Well it's been a month since Troy and I got married. Who would of ever thought that after 15 years, we would be married. Every day I miss my little guy alot... One day it will be alot easier... I have been working, and my girls are ready for mommy to be home instead at work. I will post more later... Lots of love..

Easter 2010....

Well today was an okay day... It started out with church and then we took the girls to "Little Guy's" place, where we put Easter eggs on his grave... I weighed them down, with potting soil in them... You know it's really not suppose to be this way.. He wasn't suppose to be there, he was suppose to be here with us, to celebrate Jesus' rebirth. I am really trying to stay strong... But with all these 1st holidays, I think THAT IT JUST REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is very hard to let him go, I mean I have well the best that I can anyways, but I cry almost everyday and I have my moments, where all I want to do is staying inside and not go anywhere. But what will that accomplish? I really wish that I could answer why this happened... Life was GREAT and then BAMMMMM i went tumbling down this hill and don't know why!! Why did God put this pain on me? On my family? The one thing I can say is that I am greatful that we got to love him the 30 days he was here and the bond I had with him those precious 9 months that he was in me.. I can't explain all the feelings that comes with having a little boy... or even a little girl... But to have 3 girls and then get a boy... WOW.. God is Great, I just wish that I had longer with my little guy, I wish that William's real dad had the chance to met him and hold him... I am thankful that God gave me Troy to help me thru this horrible time and my family to help keep me together. Hailee and Nicole are having a very hard time right now.. They want answers and I can't answer them. Everytime Lily sees a baby she says "Bubba" or when we go to his grave she waves, says "Bubba" and blows a kiss. I am beginning to think that maybe she can see beyond what we believe, she's so precious, they all are.. But she is so young she doesn't understand.. All she knows is that is where we laid Bubba down and that's our place to go see him at.. I wish that we could all hold him again hear his words, touch him, watch him crawl/walk/run for the first time. Hold his hand, for the first time he skinned his knee.. God, I really miss him.. I know I will see him again and that he's up there looking down on me. I know that he will not feel the pain that we have here on Earth; I know he's in a better place... But it still hurts, it still feels like there is a piece of my heart gone. Good night until the next time I write.

To my little guy:
I know that you are in a better place, a place with no pain. I place were we can only image the perfectness that god has for us. I know that you are ok and that you watching over us. I only wish that there was some way that our family could have peace with you being gone. To mend our hearts and fill us with your love.. I hear you cry sometimes, and go to check on you, but your not there. I know it's your way to tell me your okay. I have some of your pictures on the walls, so we can see your tiny, precious and perfect face everyday. We go to visit you grave every Sunday, even though it's hard. We love you soooooo much, sooo very much. You are missed more than words can ever explain and even though mommy fills her day with housework, tending to your sisters and the wedding, there's not a second that goes by that you are not on my mind. I love you and will write you soon. XOXOXOXO
Mommy

Another Bad day...

Well today, started out okay. I woke up in time to get the girls up and out the door on time to catch the bus. Then my mommy came over to watch Liliana for Troy and I to go to our pre-marriage counseling. Then when we got home from that, it was time for Troy to head to work. Mom and I went to Anthony to Alco to find some stuff for the flowers. We also found a memorial that is made with the design from our wedding invitations on it with some artificial flowers for our little guys grave. We went out their and mom put them next to his headstone. I cry everytime I go out there, it just a metal marker with William L Hayden and 2010-2010 on it. So mom brings me back home and goes home herself. She's not home 30 minutes when she sends me a link to where you can order headstones, for a reasonable price. I never thought headstones would be so costly.... BOY was I wrong!!!! So we start looking at different designs and things and it just made me really sad. We all ended up going out to Pizza Hut, and I just wanted to go put my little guy to bed and give him a kiss... Just to hold him again and give him my love, as he looks up at me like "mommy would you please stop" >:D< ..... I know he is flying on Angels wings right now, and he is in a better place but God my life was GREAT and now it is good, but it's not as great as it was... I'm trying to stay strong for the girls, but it is soooo hard!!! They don't understand and they want answers and I wish that I could give them the answers to take their pain away... I know that one day we will all understand, but until then it is gonna be hard... I LOVE AND MISS YOU LITTLE GUY, WILLIAM!!!! Until mommy writes again... Goodnight my love... XOXOXO

life...

Okay, so I haven't blogged since the day after my little guy got here. But life has happened and I just have not felt like talking about it. However, I think I should! I want to scream and yell and hate and I just can't!!! My little guy was taken from my on February 24th, he was 30 days old. He passed away sometime between 5 and 9 am. They said he just stopped breathing in the night. They are calling it SIDS.. I keep looking for an explaination, but am not getting one. I keep sitting around waiting to hear him cry and nothing. The house is some what quiet and sad. Every night before Liliana goes to bed, she waves at the ceiling and says Bubba. Maybe she sees something I don't, okay obviously, she does. I often cry myself to sleep after everyone else goes to bed, cuz I miss him so much. Yesterday was 1 month since he left us and we took carnations to his grave. It was a very hard day, the girls begged to go see him and they didn't want to go to school. So we took them with us and then went to my mom's to hang out.

To William's dad, I am not here to judge you, but to be your friend. You know you have an ear when you need someone to listen. I don't know what to say to him, butI know it's not fair. All I can do is try to be his friend. We once shared this great love, or so I thought, but I would like to think so. We have another beautiful child together, who makes me believe in the more positive side of things.

On a more positive note, Troy and I finally set a date!! We are getting married on June 5th, of this year. We have not decided where we are going to take a honeymoon to as of yet. I think that I am going to start blogging more and put my letters to my little guy on here, so maybe it can help anyone else that is going thru something like this in their life, or they just need to read them to help them heal..

Christmas 2009

William Lesley....

William Lesley came at 4:45 today weighing in at 7 lbs and 20 inches long... As perfect as an angel.. He are just some of the pictures...